Saturday, July 17, 2010

Blondes Have More Fun?

Evidence of a childhood obsession with being blonde:

1. Betty Cooper

I began collecting Archie Comics when I was 4 or 5. Every time my father went to the store, he would ask if I wanted to come along because he knew I couldn't wait to acquire a new issue or double digest. The rivalry between Betty Cooper and Veronica Lodge for the affections of Archie Andrews was gripping. Considering the number of Archies I acquired over the years, I can tell you that freckle-faced redhead could not get it together. Betty one day, Veronica the next, and sometimes that grease-ball Reggie would complicate the whole scenario. Veronica was edgy. She was spoiled and sassy. But I loved Betty. I know, I know, she was a bit of a square because she was too nice, but she had a ponytail (a very important detail to a little Asian girl with a bowl haircut)! She helped the elderly! She was proof that nice girls finish at the very least, in the middle (as long as you were still a good-looking, fresh faced blonde that never aged) and sometimes on top!

2. Nancy Drew

In the second grade I won an award for reading the most books in one year, a prize I earned by reading every Nancy Drew book in our elementary school library. Nancy was what every little girl aspired to be (that is, before we learned how to be text-messaging prosti-tots). She had a blonde bob and wore fitted, yet demure dresses. She always had a flashlight and was just so gosh darned inquisitive! In the early novels, she did not attend school or hold a proper job, subsisting on her hunger for clues and crime-solving. Nancy was also the reason why I frequently pranced around in my mother's trench coat with a notepad and pen and plastic magnifying glass.

3. Stacey, Jessica & Elizabeth

Following the Nancy years was my obsession with Sweet Valley High and, to a lesser extent, The Babysitters' Club. In the latter, I was instantly drawn to Stacey McGill and Claudia Kishi. Stacey for her long blonde hair and Laura Ashley dresses, and Claudia for all her stashed junk food (a habit I continue to this day. There are Mini Eggs in my sock drawer). I particularly felt a kinship to Stacey after she developed a misguided teen crush on her teacher, a mistake I had also made in the 4th grade. Sure, she was a bit uptight, but she was from the city, and like, totally pretty and popular. My hometown was dumpier than Stoneybrook, so the idea of being from New York seemed even more amazing.

The Babysitters' Club just filled the time in between Sweet Valley books for me. I read them all, Sweet Valley Twins, Sweet Valley High, that weird Sweet Valley Saga series, and even that special collection of murder mysteries. Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield were my idols. They were a writer and a cheerleader living in sunny California, driving a Fiat with their plethora of friends and boyfriends. Oh, and their dad's name was Ned. That's pretty perfect. I also watched the brief SVH television series staring Brittany and Cynthia Daniels, the Double Mint twins. The show was awful, but I could not help tuning in to this blonde twosome's escapades. Unfortunately, the original books have modernized the Wakefield twins, and they are now perfect size 4 bloggers who drive a Jeep Cherokee. Despite this, I am still eagerly anticipating the Diablo Cody screenplay for a new Sweet Valley movie. Maybe Justin Bieber will play Todd?

5. My Girl

Two blondes. Coming of age. Bee sting. No need for further details, you all understand.

6. Jen

This is a tenuous one. I am not sure it counts, really. But it might indicate my bias towards blondes. I only watched Dawson's Creek for 2 seasons, and it was kind of awful. But in the celibate love triangle between Dawson, Jen, and Joey, I was more on Team Jen than that annoying Katie Holmes, even though everyone else fell for her over-the-top tomboy girl-next-door shoulder acting. Jen, like Stacey McGill, was from the big city, and she was a bit easy. Sounds like a lot more fun than smelling like a fishy creek girl.

Actually, I think this just indicates how much I hate Katie Holmes. No points for Jen, I kind of dislike her too. She may have been the beginning of my move away from blonde obsession, a shift that has culminated in my current vehement distaste for Betty Draper.

7. The Curveball

Despite this movement away from blonde support, a strong player on the pro-blonde team is still Alexander Skarsgard.

Oh yes.