Sunday, April 14, 2013

You stay the hell away from underprivileged chimpanzees in Congo!


Oh Suzy. I really want to tell you that getting into university is difficult, and that for most people getting into an Ivy in America is equivalent to being struck by lightning (and if you're from Canada, you might as well be struck twice). I really want to tell you that many brilliant, bright women go on to do totally important things even though they didn't get into the school they wanted. But instead, all I can think of is how I want to punch you in the face.

That's like, really crass of me and like, so aggressive. It must be because I was lucky enough to be raised by such an angry and strict tiger mom who made me play a piano so I can be one step ahead of mediocre racist folks like yourself. What I really want to tell you, dear, stupid Suzy, is that you are like, totally right. Your lack of diversity is surely what prevented you from getting into the college of your dreams. Because you know, diverse applicants are just, like, totally encumbered by these throwaway spots at colleges and law firms and hospitals and oh I don't know, EVERYTHING ELSE IN LIFE in which white people dominate and you can just sit pretty because you just published an article in the Wall Street Journal as if it was some wordpress site you made up for the sole purpose of complaining.

Oh Suzy. It's not your fault. You can't be blamed for being a teen who thinks affirmative action is racial bias. You probably listen to Rihanna and there is at least one secondary African American character in all of your favourite television shows  so surely we must live in a post-racist world. For as long as you've known, non-white people have been getting all kinds of opportunities simply because of the privilege of their difference.

Actually, I take it back. It's totally your fault. You are the worst.